Friday, July 24, 2015

The many feels

I am crushing on someone so hard I feel like I can't breathe.

This is the second crush in the past several years to affect my life in deep and noticeable ways. The other began around 2007 and went through its intense moments a long time ago. The crush lingers because the woman in question hasn't ceased to be amazing and beautiful, but I'm no longer smooshed under the weight of all the feels.

This new crush, though. Wow. I feel breathless because my mind drifts and I realize, when I let out a slight gasp, that I've been holding in air.

I have been single a long time. Most of my dating life, really. I got used to being on my own a loooong time ago. I've dated people and experienced a long-term relationship, a long-distance relationship, a couple break-ups. No one I ever dated was that good of a match for me. Every once in a while, I think I should find someone and I fire up my online dating profiles. And I talk to some folks online and maybe go on a couple dates and things fizzle out and I tell myself it's just not time and I deactivate the profile for a few months. Or a year.

Something is different about this crush. For one, it's on someone I would not have expected to like. A lot. I feel like a teenager. I've used the phrase "Lit up like a Christmas tree" more than once this week. I enjoy feeling so alive. I enjoy driving around town just grinning. I enjoy the thought that my crush might just like me back. I don't want to find out quite yet. If the answer is no, well... I don't want the good feels to end quite yet.

I don't really know what to say about it all. I realized a day or so ago that I'm so affected because I don't let myself feel this way. I keep all the doors around my feelings locked nice and tight so that I'm not left undone should I hear, even one more time in my life, that the object of my affection only thinks of me as a friend. I have enough friends. I need something more. Something deeper. Something flavorful. Someone to lie next to. A face to stroke. Eyes to gaze into while neither of us says anything. Someone to wrap myself around while I rediscover those sunlight-filled places in myself that I so often leave in shadow.

I'm trying to be courageous. The thought of confessing my crush is terrifying. But I want to push forward because I'm too old for bullshit and games. I want to push because I've had a couple moments where I thought my crush might feel the same way about me. I'm trying not to confuse friendliness with reciprocated affection. I hate the thought of a panicked face and a stammer. I was just being nice. Uh... gotta go.

To say I'm in unfamiliar territory would be an understatement. I've texted a number of friends and gushed like a 14-year-old girl with a fresh stack of autographed One Direction photographs. I am enjoying the giddiness, but there's a very real part of me that wants to... lean in, I guess. Metaphorically. Literally. I miss the warmth of another person. I miss holding hands. I miss opening the door to find out that my special someone has brought me flowers.

For now, I'm going to harness this magical feeling a bit longer and try to figure out how to 'confess' without popping a hole in the balloon that's carried me through this week. I want to hold onto the possibility of more. Let this continue. This freedom. This weightlessness. This delicious current that has wrapped around me and made me feel awake, sensual, courageous, full of possibility.

1 comment:

amanda redwine said...

I so totally heart you right now, Chizoma Sherman. I just wanna run up and squeeze a muffin right out of you!